How Sweet To Be An idiot

How Sweet To Be An Idiot – Neil Innes

If you've ever been on an international flight to the USA you've seen it: the Visa Waiver every tourist must fill in during the flight. ‘Do any of the following apply to you?’ the form asks, before listing a number of inquiries after your health and other criminal records. Anyone who answers ‘Yes’ to one or more than one question in the list may be refused admission into the United States, announces the form. Forget about any moral objections you might have against these questions. Never mind whether people who suffer from an infectious disease or mental illness (Question A) do or do not deserve a break. I raise an eyebrow at Question C: ‘Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?’

Who, except maybe for the syphilitic mush-for-brain Question A refers to, would ever answer ‘Yes’ to that question? Forget about the two cantankerous Nazi’s still walking this earth in need of a flight attendant to tick off the box next to the questions, since they haven’t physically been able to draw inside the lines since 1987. ‘Nein, nein, nein! I said Yes! Verdammt noch mal!’

I wonder what they instruct new recruits in random Al Qaeda boot camps in Jemen today. ‘Future martyrs, gather round for a second and listen carefully. We have come upon a discovery. Every tourist on a flight to the land of the rising debt has to fill out this questionnaire. That saddens my heart with the might of a thousand wolves howling at a full Afghan moon. And it also really sucks, since we may be terrorists, but we are not hypocrites. We do not fib. Surely, we do not have to go around presenting our enemies with any information on how and when we would like to reorganize their capitalist society into a mere figment of a true virgin’s imagination; but when asked, we shall not lie about it. We are, after all, uncompromising militants, not whimsical pretenders. So when asked to fill out this form, you are to answer truthfully.’

The instructor ignores the murmurs of incredulity and concern rising among the ranks.

He continues, ‘Luckily, we have discovered something else. See, it says right there: if you answer “Yes” to any one or more questions, you may be refused admission. Not: you will be refused. We think the bark of the heavyset popcorn eaters is worse than their bite.’ He has it on good authority that this form is merely part of the extreme adventure he signed them all up for when he bought the tickets. All is well with the world.