The Sun Always Shines on TV

The Sun Always Shines On TV – A-Ha

- ‘He's still alive. You piece of lint!’
- ‘Die, you marmaluka!’
……
- ‘I said, “All right, I'll tell you something: go feel your mother!” ’
……
- ‘Now go home and get your lovin’ shinebox.’
- ‘Get my shinebox?! You, you finking piece of chintz!’

That does it. No more Goodfellas for me tonight. Movies aren’t what they used to be. Or rather, movies on American TV aren’t what those same movies are in theaters. American networks, after they buy the rights to show a feature presentation, can choose to show their own cut of a movie, edited for content before any viewing. That means they use bleepy sounds to cover up any profanities or blasphemies, or sound-alike voices to turn vulgar language into minced oaths. Mincing an oath can be a rather delicate procedure. If the mincer takes pride in his work he makes sure the oath stays close to the original line so as to minimize any disturbance to the flow and soundtrack of the movie. However, it’s still disturbing to watch a movie and discover it’s been teleported to a parallel universe of near-freedom of speech, a world of artistic almost-expression.

Random example. When Keanu Reeves tells his interrogator in The Matrix: ‘How about I give you the flipper?’ waving a digitally touched-up fist, he unwillingly crowns himself king of nerd castle. This nincompoop can’t be The One! It gets worse when Bruce Willis’ signature ‘Yippee-Ki-Yay, motherfucker!’ at the end of Die Hard is lopped off to a meager ‘Yippee-Ki-Yay’, sometimes leaving the camera on Bruce Willis as he mouths part two; the hearing impaired are left to their own devices. More concerned networks replace the entire line by a whopping ‘Yippee-Ki-Yay mother trucker!’ – reducing the razor tongued action man to a cowboy impersonator who, well, has a thing for wide loads.

When deemed necessary, networks delete what are considered inappropriate sounds or scenes altogether. You’ll see paint dry before you’re allowed to see the (ostentatiously fake!) old ladies’ boobs in There’s Something About Mary (director’s cut: 134 minutes. TV runtime: 117 minutes). On rare occasions, so many scenes are cut that a network actually throws in restored, never-before-seen footage to fill the allotted runtime – apparently pitting David Cronenberg fans against each other in heated discussions on which was better: the director's or the TV cut of Videodrome.
Movies on TV can be verbally sanitized to absurdity. Hilariously well done at best – watch Samuel L. Jackson decide ‘I’ve had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!’ – but mostly it’s just depressing.

Who decides that ‘finger’ in The Matrix is an inappropriate word and prop? Who seriously came up with mother trucker? Why would a network choose to show Scarface if it intends to neuter Al Pacino’s performance into a ride through Candyland? ‘Never fool with me, Tony,’ the Bolivian drug lord warns him. ‘I warned you not to fool with me, you foolish little monkey!’ Who’s afraid of this Disneyfied fiend? Pacino sure isn’t. He continues to shoot everybody to a bloody pulp with his little friend. Darn drug dealer boys and their silly ways!

There are exceptions to the rule. Networks like Sundance Channel and IFC (Independent Film Channel) show uncut or theater versions of movies. These networks are rare islands of resistance - never mind that they show Korean cult classics and Harvey Keitel's penis rather than All American Blockbusters.

Why the country with the largest number of murders in the world seriously thinks its citizens need protection from fake violence, is between it and its god, I guess. I find little solace in one thought: in a future world rated E for Everyone, the people who wish to expurge any unseemly content on TV will in fact end up being the only ones to teeth-grind their way through entire director’s cuts – albeit right before they snub them. Take that, you foolish little monkeys!